15. What's wrong with Arlene?

Something was terribly wrong.  No one had seen Arlene in two days.  Usually she never missed a meal, let alone the shore excursions.  Like me this was her and her husband’s first trip to China and she had vowed that she was going to see and do as much as possible.
            On our tour we had already visited Beijing and been amazed by the ultramodern, 100 story skyscrapers that still had empty spaces near their tops so evil witches could fly right through without stopping to do mischief to the people living and working in the building.  We had also seen the incredibly primitive and cramped hutongs, courtyard areas where people had lived for centuries.  They were now being razed in the name of progress and healthier living conditions with a few being saved for historical reasons.  As we got on and off the bus at each tourist site, Arlene kept urging her husband to keep up so they wouldn’t miss anything.  Although both past 65 and breathing hard, they kept up with the rest of us.

The Yangtze River Cruise was more restful as the ship drifted with the current past tiny fishing villages and the brightly painted fishing boats.  The first day, Arlene and her husband made it to every meal as early as possible and were the last to leave.  Her little fireplug shaped body seemed to need constant refueling, although she occasionally complained that she was overweight.  It seemed unlike her to miss so many meals.

Of course if she wasn’t feeling well, she could be getting trays brought to her room.  Her husband, Henry, still appeared, slightly tipsy, at each meal and complaining of how Arlene was driving him crazy.  We wondered if he stashed bottles of liquor in his luggage.  He never drank at the ship’s bar but always seemed to be a little incoherent.  

We did sympathize with him.  His wife had started out on our tour walking without help.  The first day on the river though she brought out a cane.  Perhaps the motion of the boat upset her equilibrium because each time we docked at an interesting village on the Yangtze, it was a miracle how she maneuvered over the cobblestones, rough pavement and gravel.

Now Henry was accusing her of refusing to walk—just to drive him crazy.  When we asked how she was, he would just say, “Crazy as a coot, crazy as a coot.”

            Well, that didn’t explain why we hadn’t seen her.  Finally, a group of us first requested and then demanded that we be let in their cabin to see her.  He tried to stall us, saying she was sleeping but we forced him to open the door.  The door swung open noiselessly and we saw Arlene tied to a chair in front of the TV.  She rolled her eyes at us and muttered, “Oh, no, oh, no.”

We gaped at her and then looked aghast at Henry.  Had the man tied her up so he could drink as much as he liked.  What was going on?  Did we need to call the captain?

Henry stuttered, “Now, now.  It’s not what it looks like...”

He turned to Arlene and pleaded, “Please tell them what this is, before I’m thrown in a Chinese prison!”

Arlene hung her head, “Oh, I’m so embarrassed.  I just wanted to lose some weight and I can’t help myself when I see all that tasty food spread out, and it’s all FREE, even if it is Chinese.”

“But why are you tied up?”  I asked.

“I asked Henry to tie me up so I couldn’t go to the dining room.  Don’t worry, I had regular bathroom breaks, when the dining room was closed. And I do drink water.”

“So you’re OK?  You’re not being held against your will?”

“Yes, yes, I’m OK.  Please go now.”  She lifted up her head and smiled.  “I’m really fine and I’ve lost five pounds already.”

                                                 The End

13. Clean Plates in Chinese

Eula May still couldn’t believe she was actually in China.  It seemed about as exotic as anyplace could be.  Crowds of people rushing through the streets speaking very fast and very loud in languages she couldn’t understand.  Duh, China had more than 290 living languages, although the official business language was Mandarin.  The only words she knew were “ni hao” or “hello” in English.

She especially loved the old, charming buildings faced with colorful, blue, red, yellow, and green tile and Pagoda style roofs.  Bending backwards to look up at the tippy top of the buildings she searched for demons flying through the air.  The guide, Jack, told her the upturned roof ends were to prevent evil spirits from landing and bedeviling the people working or living  in side.

It was a lot different from the little country town of Karnak, Kentucky, where she grew up.  And, of course about as far away as it could be, really on the other side of world.  As childhood friends, she and Wanda dug holes in their back yards not really believing they could dig to China, but it was fun pretending.

The only other time she remembered hearing about China as a little girl  had to do with food.  Or rather the lack of food.  She was a ‘picky’ eater and drove her Mother crazy by wanting to play instead of to sit forever at the green formica kitchen table trying to force down another bite.  Oh, if only that was still true she thought as she ran her hands over her slightly jiggly hips.

She had been worried about having to eat weird things in China, like eels and grasshoppers, but also had hoped that the anticipated strange food would help her lose weight.  That hadn’t happened.  Most of the food was very tasty, especially at the great hotel breakfast buffets.  She had never thought about adding chopped tomatoes and onions to scrambled eggs but they were delicious.

Back in her childhood she was encouraged to clean her plate with the warning, “Children starving in China would love to have this food.”  She never understood why her eating more would help those other kids.   

She now knew that China, in the past, like a lot of other under developed countries had a problem with producing and distributing enough food to its people.  Fortunately, everyone she saw on this trip seemed to be in good health and not especially skinny.  Her mother would be glad to hear that Chinese children were no longer starving.

          That first evening in Beijing there was a Welcome to China dinner at a large restaurant.  Eula May and her tour group were greeted at the moon shaped doorway by two young girls, probably the owner’s daughters, who smiled and shyly waved them in side. 

After everyone was seated, the youngest little girl, named Mai Ling, about 4 years old, went around giving each diner a sweet smile and several dried pumpkin seeds to eat.  Eula May and the other tour members thought she was just as cute as a button and thanked her profusely.

There were at 10 at each round table with a large Lazy Susan in the center and a small plate at each setting.  Throughout the meal, dishes of incredible variety were added to the revolving server as empty ones were removed.  Each diner also had a small side dish divided to hold garnishes: pickled cucumbers, spicy diced peppers, sliced radishes, and sesame seeds.

Eula May didn’t know what to do with all these condiments so still had a lot left in her garnish plate when Mai Ling came around again, her shiny black bob bouncing with each step.  She was distributing more pumpkin seeds but also checking the contents of the little side dishes.  She pointed to Eula May’s remaining food, then to Eula May, and finally to her own mouth.  Mai Ling successfully used sign language to give Eula May a message.  Jack said, “She has heard about all the children starving in America, so is urging you to clean your plate.”  Everyone at the table laughed. 

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Labels:  China, Eula May, humor